Big Trouble In Little China

Immortal sorcerers, cunts who can fly through the air on lightning, kung fu, monsters, comedy, the cock hungry Samantha from Sex in the City, and Kurt Russell trying to find his truck.
Yes friends, all these elements mixed together can mean only one thing, Big Trouble in Little China! (As requested by @BigDordy)

The movie commences with tour bus operator Egg Shen being questioned by some lawyer prick about a big ruckus that has just gone down in Chinatown. Apparently, half a city block is in ruin and this buck has been implicated. The lawyer quizzes him about a Jack Burton, but Egg tells him to fuck right off, he reckons this Jack is a legend, and he won't rat him out.
Ould Egg is a fairly crazy looking fucker, and he's not helping his case by saying that he believes in Chinese black magic, sorcery monsters and ghosts... The lawyer thinks he's full of shit, but soon changes his tune when Egg makes electricity come out of his hands. "See that you prick?" Egg says to the lawyer, "that's fuck all, but that's how things always begin, very small...."

"Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh, dish" Yes!! Its 80's drum machine synthesiser music (again) as the movie kicks off for real!
Its a fucking minging night and Kurt Russell is driving his big ass truck, The Pork Chop Express, through the rain and waffling bollix on his CB. The Russeller is playing Jack Burton, an insanely big headed Yankee truck driver on his way to Chinatown in San Francisco. He's ripping it up on the CB, talking pure horseshit to no one, kind of like me on these blogs. That's right, me and Jack Burton, two fucking bad ass peas in a pod, but I digress...

The Russeller lands in Chinatown and gets straight on the piss with his mate Wang, they're gambling the shit out of it at some weird Chinese game all night and Russell has cleaned his buddy out. But Wang ain't finished yet, he bets Russell a grand he can chop a beer bottle in half with a meat clever. Now I've made some fucking stupid bets in my time but this one takes the biscuit... Wang tries to chop the bottle but unsurprisingly fucks it up, and now he's in the red to the Russeller for a cool grand. Wang says he'll pay up after he picks his bird up at the airport, so him and Russell (after drinking straight through the whole night) jump into the Pork Chop Express and head off. These must be the kind of lads Michael Healy Rea is trying to protect by legalising drink driving again.

They arrive at the airport unscathed, proving Healy Rea has a point... As they wait for Wang's bird the Russller spots Samantha from Sex in the City who is looking f-i-n-e. I know she plays a durty cougar in that shit Sex in the City but here she's a younger model, and smoking hot. The Russller wastes no time and starts applying the charm to Samantha but gets interrupted by a couple of Chinese lads who barge past him. The Chinese lads are the Lords of Death, a local street gang who swoop in, grab Wang's bird, and fuck off in a fast car, what the fuck! The boyos aren't having this, and head off for the gangs club house to fucking sort them out and rescue Wang's bird.

The scene cuts to the streets of Chinatown where our ould buddy Egg Shen is driving his shitbox tour bus around with a hape of tourists in it. He's driving about doing his thing when the Russeller comes tearing up the street and runs him off the road. The Russeller and Wang drive down some ally but get stuck behind a funeral of some sorts. The funeral boys are dressed in yellow headbands and are rambling along the street mourning some dead buck. Then, out of another ally comes a hape of angry looking cunts wearing red headbands. Wang informs the Russeller that they are rival gangs, the yellow bucks being good, and the red bucks being bad.

The red hedbands waste no time and shoot the fuck out of the coffin and the lads who were carrying it. There's a bit of a shoot out and when the dust settles the remaining gangs take to the streets to have it out. The yellows have fuck all weapons only some poles, whereas the reds have all manner of shit, including meat cleavers, axes and swords! After a brief Chinese stand off, all fucking hell breaks loose and they go at it. There's boys getting sliced and diced and surprisingly the yellow cunts are doing all right. As this is going on Wang and the Russeller are sitting tight in the cabin of the truck, watching the mayhem unfold, and shitting their pants.

Then, out of nowhere, a fucker (with what looks like the top of a laundry basket tied to the top of his head) comes flying out of a green puff of smoke. What the fuck? Whoever this cunt is he obviously means business and the yellow bucks back away when they see him. But he's not alone, oh no. He's joined by two other bastards also wearing laundry basket hats, one cunt just comes dropping out of the sky, and the other flies in on a bolt of lightning, like that bad ass Raiden from Mortal Kombat!!

The yellow gang open fire on the three lads in the mental hats, but the bullets don't seem to harm them and they set about killing every fucker there. By this stage the Russeller and Wang have seen enough, Russell fires up his truck and makes a drive for it past the three hat lads but ends up running over some other mad looking fucker who's standing in the street.

The Russeller hops out of the truck to check on the buck he's just mowed down, its a mad looking fucker and he's up without a scratch and has light shining from his eyes and mouth! The light temporarily blinds the Russeller but himself and Wang manage to leg it out of there and back to Wang's restaurant.

Back at the restaurant Russell wants to know what the fuck just went down. Given that he's probably not used to seeing kidnappings, mass brawls, cunts flying about on bolts of lightning, and lads who can get up after being run over by trucks, this seems like a fairly reasonable request. Wang tells the Russeller he reckons the buck with light shooting out of his gob was Lo Pan, and the three bad asses with hats were his minions, the Three Storms, "Rain", "Lightning" and "Thunder".

At this point a buck called Eddie Lee, who works in Wang's restaurant, and Samantha from Sex in the City land in unannounced. The Russeller instantly moves in on Samantha but gets knocked back again, but he doesn't give a fuck cause he's a cocky bastard. Samantha and Eddie Lee tells the boys that the Lords of Death have robbed the Russeller's truck, and that they kidnapped Wang's bird to sell her to a hoore house or something.

Wang tells the Russeller he can't pay him cause he needs whatever cash he has left to buy his bird back from the brasshouse owners. Fucks sake, surely this bastard has a grand lying about somewhere, how the fuck does he pay his staff?? Anyway, Wang reckons he's got a sure fire plan to get his bird back so the Russeller agrees to help his buddy out and they set off for the hoorehouse.

Wang's plan involves the Russeller dressing up like a cock and pretending to be some out of town horndog who's in the hoorehouse looking for a doll to park the pink Cadillac in, that also has green eyes, genius!! The Madam of the hoorehouse tells the Russeller he's shit out of luck, and that he'll have to make do with a normal hoore, so what does he do?? In no way veering off the original plan he heads off into one of the rooms with a regular prossie! As Russell is chatting the doll up (an unnecessary act as he's paying for her company..) the building starts shaking violently..


Outside we can see that the sky above the hoorehouse is green and some-things-a-coming. As the hoores and Johns all leg it out of the trembling building, the Madam heads into the room where she has Wang's green eyed bird stashed. But before she can do anything the ceiling blows off and a bolt of lightning flashes into the room, frying the Madam and sending her flying like a rag doll through a partition wall, that'll fucking teach her to get involved in human trafficking.

The bolt of lightning belonged to our mate from earlier Raiden, and him and the other Two Storms fly into the hoorehouse. Even though he's just seen Raiden fry the Madam with a bolt of lightning the Russeller (being the tough bastard he is) fucking wades in and lets the "Rain" Storms have it smack in the chops. The Rain cunt takes three of the Russeller's best before booting him across the room. While this is going on Raiden unties Wang's bird and him and his two pals fly off on a bolt of lightning, these lads are fucking slick.

Back at Samantha's pad Eddie Lee, Wang, Samantha, and some jurno mate of Samantha's called Margo (no relation to Daniel) tell the Russeller that the Storms have most likely taken Wang's bird to Lo Pan's evil lair, he was the cunt who had light shining out of his gob earlier, confused? Good, cause this is fucking hard to summarise as there's so much going on. Anyway, Wang and the Russeller have heard enough, they're for Lo Pan's hangout to get the girl, the Russeller lays the cheese on thick and and tell the rest of them "if we're not back by dawn, call the president". Legend.

Looks like Lo Pan is hanging out in some sort of warehouse so the boys roll in pretending to be from the phone company or some shit. Back at Wang's resturant our ould mate Egg Shen is on the scene, he appears to be looking into the future using what looks like a few chicken bones and a some coat buttons, and he reckons Lo Pan is up to no good.. Back at Lo Pan's the two lads have found a secrete elevator and are heading down into the bowels of Lo Pan's lair. But the lift stops, and fills up with water, so the two lads jimmy the door open and swim out into a room with loads of skeletons floating about tied to chains.. The two daft cunts have swam right into the hideout of the Three Storms and its not a pleasant place. The Storms give them a bit of a kicking before strapping them to some wheelchairs and taking them to Lo Pan himself.

Lo Pan looks nothing like he did earlier with the light shining out of his mouth, instead he's a wrinkly ould fucker in a wheelchair that looks like he's two breaths away from death. He's a bad tempered wee cunt as well, and tells the boys he needs Wang's green eyed bird to sacrifice to a demon or something, so he can regain his true form and escape the confinements of the ould fellas body he's trapped in. Upon hearing this the Russeller rightly calls him a nutter, and also questions his pulling tactics, given that its taken him 2,000 years to find a doll with green eyes. Before Lo Pan can hit back against the cruel jibe regarding his pulling powers, he spots the rest of the Russellers crew on a security monitor and whizzes off on his wheelchair to sort them out.

Out in the lobby the "Thunder" Storm knocks the Russelers crew out with some gas while Lo Pan's guards lock Wang and the Russeller in a room.
But the lads free themselves from their bindings and Wang lays the truth out to the Russeller about black magic and lords and demons and all manner of other crazy shit. Thunder arrives in and the lads jump him, but he pulls a magic trick and starts making himself bigger by inflating his body, causing the Russeller to get sent flying backwards into a wheelchair that goes rolling down a long steep corridor Keystone Cops style, where he crashes to a halt at the edge of a well. Having survived the ordeal, the Russeller, Wang and Eddie Lee arm themselves with some guns and head off to find Wang's bird, again..

Upstairs Lo Pan's on the blower barking out orders to have the prisoners rounded up. He then transforms from the ould codger into the original Lo Pan (confusing, I know) and heads of floating through walls like a boss, until he gets to the room where Wang's bird it. Then the randy ould goat tries to cop a feel of the unconscious bird!! But he can't cause his hand passes through her as he's not human or a ghost or something.. At this stage I'm beginning to think this is too much like hard work so things are gonna start moving a lot quicker.

The Russeller, Wang and Eddie Lee plug a couple of henchmen before finding the rest of their crew, who are locked in cages with a rake of hookers. They spring them and make their escape, but they run into bother when a hape of henchmen turn up. Everyone fucks off apart from Wang and the Russeller, who stay to face them down. The Russeller does the smart thing, and just shoots a rake of the cunts with his gun, but Wang is a different animal, he conforms to the racial stereotype that every Asian is a kung fu expert by wading in and knocking seven shades of shite out the remaining henchmen.
Outside, Egg Shen is waiting in his clapped out banger of a bus and the gang make their escape, but they loose Samantha, who gets kidnapped by a fucking mental looking monster!!! Check this cunt out!!!! Fucking hell I forgot about this bastard, he's totally class, the fakest looking monster ever but still cool as fuck! Anyway, he chains Samantha up in Lo Pan's lair and the man himself wheels in to check her out. Lo Pan is stoked as fuck cause Samantha has green eyes. Fucks sakes they're like buses, you wait 2,000 years for a green eyed doll to turn up then two arrive at once!


Meanwhile, back at Wang's restaurant, where else... the Russeller and Wang have teamed up with Egg Shen and the yellow headbanded bucks from the streetfight earlier. They head to Egg's gaff and get geared up to take this Lo Pan fucker down. Egg's got a secret passage that takes the boys down into the sewers and they head off.

Back at Lo Pan's, him and the Three Storms are preforming some sort of ritual with the two dolls. The dolls pass the magic test and Lo Pan is chuffed, as he can now marry the two of them, double trouble for the dirty ould git!


Back down in the sewers there's some weird shit going on. When the boys get distracted looking into the sewer water, some giant red eyed monster comes out of a hole in the wall and scoff's wan of the yellow headbanded bucks in one go!  Egg pulls some magic m&m's from his bag and fucks them into the hole the monster just came out of. "He'll come out no more" says Egg, "What! What'll come no more??!!" the Russeller roars. But Egg doesn't give a fuck about the Russellers concerns, and he's off on his merry way.

Over at Lo Pan's, everyone's getting ready for his big wedding, he's got a fucking cool set up with a big ass room that has a giant skull with an escalator in it, and funky neon lights all over the place, nice.
Using his evil magic he sends a subliminal message to Egg and the lads through an arse faced flying blob that's full of eyes. He tells them that he's gonna sacrifice Samantha to get his flesh and bones back, then keep Wang's bird to have his evil way with, the randy cunt! I fucking love the way Lo Pan takes great pleasure in telling the boys his evil plans, he's a fucking gas cunt in fairness.

The boys carry on and find an elevator that will take them down into Lo Pan's lair. But they're not going down just yet, no, first they have to fire down some of Egg's secret magic potion. The potion looks like quare tack, its got smoke coming off the top of it and Egg tells the Russeller that it'll give him powers to do shit he never thought possible.
Now I know loads of people love this movie for the Russeller's performance, and a few on Twitter are big into Lo Pan, but for me Egg Shen is the main man, he's a fucking mad looking cunt and has a six demon bag containing wind and fire, I mean come on, this buck couldn't be any cooler even if he was made of ice.
Anyway, the lads fire the magic potion into them and head down the lift to Lo Pan's lair.

Down in the lair the wedding ceremony is in full swing. The boys want to steam in but Egg tells them to stall it until Lo Pan finishes the ceremony, that way he'll be flesh and bone, and they can then finally kill the fucker. But the arse faced blob with eyes spotts them, and sends a message to Lo Pan. Its the last message he'll be sending though, cause Wang spots him and skewers him with his big ass sword. The blob thing kind of resembles Krang from The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, another hero of mine.

Anyway a massive battle ensues, and its yellow headbands against red headbands again, with the legend Egg in the middle of it, pulling shit out of his six demon bag and blowing cunts up, class. Wang is slicing lads up with his sword and flipping about the place like a gymnast on speed so the "Rain" storm steps in to take him on. This has to be one of the craziest sword fights in the history of cinema, as Wang and Rain duel with their swords while simultaneously flying through the air for prolonged periods of time.

At this stage Lo Pan has completed the ceremony and is flesh and bones so Egg tries to take him down with a rocket from his six demon bag. Whoever came up with the idea of a six demon bag should be knighted, in fact, whoever came up with the plot for this movie should be knighted, as its as far out there as they come. Egg misses with his rocket, probably because he has a gammy eye, so him and Low Pan go at it with some magic, both of them shooting out light and projecting tiny sword fighters who battle it out like some sort of PS3 game, mad. It ends in a draw and Lo Pan childishly tells Egg that he never could beat him, like he was playing FIFA or something.

Lo Pan legs it and leaves Egg to deal with Raiden who shoots a bolt of lightning at him, but Egg's a crafty ould hoore and pulls out a face fan made of tin foil that deflects the bolt back and Raiden knocking the cunt for six, go on the Egg!! Fuck me its all going on now as Lo Pan and Thunder do a legger with Wang's bird, Wang chucks his sword into Rain as he's flying through he air killing him stone dead and then runs off after Lo Pan. Raiden has had enough and flies off on a bolt of lightning while Eggs wrecks the place using explosives from his kick ass six demon bag.

The Russeller then has a brief run in with the ridiculous fake looking monster from earlier, before heading up in the lift with Samantha. In the lift he on the way up to Lo Pan's office the Russeller shifts the face off Samantha, proving that she's loose and easy just like the slag she plays in Sex in the City.
This leaves the Russeller with comical red lipstick on his face, but he dosen't give a fuck cause he's cooler than a polar bears cock. Up in Lo Pan's office Wang takes on Thunder leaving the Russeller to take on Lo Pan. The Russeller chucks his knife at Lo Pan but misses terribly, so Lo Pan picks up the knife and throws it back at him. The Russeller catches the knife in mid air and throws it back at Lo Pan, sticking him square in the forhead, boom!

Why the fuck didn't he just do that the first time, just throw the knife into his head?? Cause it'd be fucking boring that's why. Anyway, the evil Lo Pan falls and the Russeller calmly claims "its all in the reflexes", cool bastard. At this point Wang comes running back into the room, being chased by Thunder. Thunder upon seeing his boss Lo Pan dead on the ground, goes fucking apeshit and starts inflating himself like an airbag!! He looks fucking class with air coming out his ears and hooter and keeps going till he explodes into a million pieces.

Then Raiden comes round the corner looking pissed and firing lighting about the place. The Russeller, Wang and the two birds escape through a hole in the roof taking them into another room.
They're trapped, but not so as Egg the legend is above them in another hole in the roof. Egg's got one of them rappel guns like the ones Batman uses, where does he get those wonderful toys? Out of his six demon bag that's where.. Anyways, he shoots the rappel thing down from the hole in the ceiling and the gang fly up the rope to safety, apart from Wang, who doesn't make it up because Raiden enters the room through the hole in the floor. But before Raiden can fry Wang with a bolt of lightning Egg chucks a big stone statue of Budda at him from above, crushing him like a insect and causing him to explode. The gang leg through Lo Pans hideout and by a stroke of good fortune find the Russeller's truck and make their escape.

Back at Wang's restaurant the gang are saying their goodbyes and heading their separate directions. Samantha makes a move on the Russeller but he just blows her off and goes to walk out the door. "Aren't you even gonna kiss her goodbye?" asks Margo, "Nope" replies the Russeller and he strolls out the door! What a man!!

The Russeller heads off in his truck and back to waffling bollix on the CB as he heads outta town, but unbeknownst to him he's got a passenger riding on the back, its the fake monster thing! So that's it, Big Trouble in Little China, what a show.  So famous that its even got its own parody song! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xiAbDkXDgg



Sam's review 10/10 Probably one of the greatest movies of all time, classic John Carpenter and Kurt Russell combo and a worthy follow up to their earlier collaboration on the fucking class Escape from New York. There's so much shit going on in this movie that my crappy review doesn't do it justice. If you haven't seen it lately then fucking rent it out or download it. And if you haven't seen it at all, then you should probably do the world a favor and kill yourself, seriously.


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SonOfSam92.