WrestleManiac

Typed while I watched this shite on the laptop..

A plague on @FrankCraig13 for suggesting this.

So the movie starts with some doll covered in blood legging it out of a church. Then we get some old black and white footage of wrestlers doing their thing to the tune of some kind of Speedy Gonzales brass band. I fucking love this kind of cheesball Mexican music, must download some for the car. The black and white boys are sporting an impressive assortment of dodgy mullets and wrestling masks, a far cry from the naff MTV inspired shite the wrestlers of the modern era wear. Which reminds me, I must get one of them Mexican wrestling masks off the internet, and a cape to complete the look. Anyway, I digress, back to the movie...

After the into we are brought into the van of Jimbo, a pot smoking slacker who's been duped into leaning his van to Alfonse. Alfonse is an honest to goodness amateur porn director and owner of one of the best cigaret lighters of all time.

Alfonse is travelling with dumb blonds Dallas, Debbie and Daisy (they must have been up all night coming up with those names), three budding porn stars just trying to make a living in the highly competitive porn industry. He's also joined by Steve, the token fat sexually repressed camera man.
This motley party are down Mexico way looking for a location to shoot (no pun intended) a porno flick.
After realising they are lost and horsing the map out the window of the van, the porn crew pull into a abandon gas station where a local bucktoothed attendant informs them that they are in "the middle of no-fucking-where". If the crew are to make it to the freeway they'll need to gas up in the next town however, this will mean driving through La Sangre De Dios, a ghost town that is home to El Mascarado, a wrestler that went bonkers back in the day and gouged some cunts eyes out or something.
Anyway, ould bucktooth warns the porn bus not to stop in the town for any reason but guess what?? They do! Any hilarity ensues.

Unconcerned by the bucktoothed yokels warning and fat chops Steve's tale of El Mascarado's gruesome past (legend has it he's a Frankenstein creation made up of different wrestlers body parts so the Mexicans could bate the shite out of the Ruskies in the Oylimpics), Alfonse decides La Sangre De Dios is the perfect place for him to shoot his skin flick. The decision to stop in the town is made all the more easy when Alfonse drives into a bug fucking rock in the middle of the road and wracks the van.

Once in town the softcore porn shoot commences and the ladies begin to get it on, however Daisy heads outside for a puke mid way through the first scene cause she's hungeover or something, anyway she trods on some glass and gets set upon by something that comes out of a bush... (not hers..)
Meanwhile Steve spots a mysterious shadow in one of the frames of the bullshit footage he is reviewing on his fucking massive camcorder (which has a screen resolution worse than my Nokia 3750).
Stoner Jimbo, having run out of weed, sets off to locate Daisy but instead runs into the long arm of someone/thing in the town and also disappears... Ooooh... What could it be that has set upon poor Daisy and Jimbo??

As darkness falls, big tits Debbie tries her best to get the ould Dodge van up and running. Tired of hanging around, Dallas, fatso camerabuck and Alfonse head off to look for Jimbo, leaving big tits on her tobleron. And find Jimbo they do, but he's seen better days to be honest as he's deader than the battery of a 1988 transit van on a frosty morning. He's also missing his face, presumable ripped off by the crazed El Mascarado.
After informing the dead Jimbo that he's a "faceless motherfucker" Alfonse (who has all the best lines) storms off only to run into the man himself, he shits it and runs off to hid in a church or something leaving fat chops and whatever the other slag is called to fend for themselves.

At this stage we are into classic slasher territory with the reaming victims split up and ripe for the slaughter. Who will survive? Will anyone?? Does anyone care??? Not fucking me anyway..

Bollix.. Its my buddy Alfonse who's next for the chop as the sneaky El Mascarado outsmarts him pulling a ninja-like masterstroke by coming through the back door of the church instead of the front, no flies on him.. Anyway, Alfonse has no where to go and El Mascarado skewers him on a spike thing that seems to be part of the door (a ludicrously dangerous implement to have on a church door, shame on whatever priest left that there, and shame on priests in general, for all that kiddy raping shit they got up to).  Once skewered, El Mascarado starts horsing poor ould Alfonse around like a rag doll before smashing his teeth in a-la Edward Norton in American History X, cept he uses a window cill instead of a kerb. But Alfonse is not finished, he makes a crawl for it and gets outside but alas, El Mascarado catches up with him and rips his face clean off his... well, face. This is our first gimps of El Mascarado and he looks like the type of cunt you wouldn't trifle with, even if he skipped the que in the 4 lights after The Grill. Come to think of it, I wouldn't mess with any cunt wearing a wrestling mask in a chipper at 3am..

Anyway, unaware of the passing of Alfonse, fatty Steve and slapper Dallas stumble into a room containtg documents and tapes about El Mascarado. Steveo listens to a tape and discovers that El Mascarado has killed everyone in the town, he also finds out that El Mascarado must obey the rules of wrestling?? Hemm.. Anyway, he seems pretty chuffed by this piece of information and announces that "we are gonna retire that son of a bitch tonight!". But he may get his chance sooner than he thinks as El Mascarado whizzes past a window giving poor Dallas an awful scare. As El Mascarado starts smashing his way in Steveo and Dallas leg it. As they're legging it we see that Debbie (highlighting her considerable automotive skills) has got the van started again.
And then the penny drops for Steve.., He reveals that to defeat El Mascarado they must remove his mask (as the rules of Mexican wrestling state that once a wrestlers mask is removed, he must retire...) How these useless pricks are gonna accomplish this is another question.
Steve and Debbie then run into a dark room... Steve flick on a light and we discover that there's a rake of faces pined up on the wall, must be like El Mascarados trophy room or something. Cue Dallas with the clichéd scream!!

Turns out its actually his makeshift wrestling ring, the stupid cunts have wandered into the belly of the beast!! Steve boards up the door and hunts around for a weapon but failing to find anything better than a piece of wood and a unbroken bottle decided on another course of action. He throws off his shirt and pulls a fucking wrestling mask from out of his back pocket, yes that's right, he's gonna take him on!! Whooo hoooo!! As El Mascarado kicks in the door Stevo charges him!

Then the camera shifts to out in the hallway and we don't get to see the fucking fight.... From behind the door we hear fatties screams as El Mascarado does him in, presumably ripping his face off in the process, what a crock of shite. That scene had the potential for a few laughs and I feel robbed. At this stage I don't know if I can watch any more but I'm so far in that I may as well..
Dallas attempts to crawl out the door but ould El Mascarados not having that no sir, he drags her back into the room and preforms the worst backbreaker in the history of wrestling. But wait... What is this.... Its fucking Steveo and he isn't dead!! Hurrah! He rushes El Mascarado and the ultimate fight to the death is on!

Oh wait a minute, its not.. After Steve's initial rush El Mascarado proceeds to horse him to the ground and kick seven shades of shite out of him. He then heads to the top turn-buckle (an ould oil drum) and does a superfly jimmy snuka body splash onto Steve's flabby belly. 1, 2, 3 its over!! Steve lies there wracked and is forced to watch as El Mascarado rips Dallas's face off (she was still alive, as I said, it was a poor effort of a backbreaker..)

Meanwhile, in the town, Debbie rolls in with the van unaware of what has happened to the rest of the porno mystery crew. Armed with her trusty flash light she sets off to see where they are. Will she be the one to survive? Or maybe Steve? The suspense is almost too much to take.
As she walks around with the flash light it dawns on me why she hasn't been killed yet, she is the finest of the three dolls by a mile, here's hoping El Mascarado rips her top off instead of her face.
Anyway, she wanders into a shed where El Mascarado attacks her but she catches his reflection in the mirror and does a runner (no mean feat considering she is wearing hooker heals), after some ridiculous running she seeks refuge under a bus. El Mascarado comes out of the shed and stalks the bus as Debbie hides inside... After a bit of hide and seek El Mascarado smashes in the window and grabs Debbie by the head, during the struggle she stabs him in the hand with the keys to the van, I shit you not... She then runs into a kitchen of some sorts where (possibly using some skills she acquired in the porn game) she takes up the best hiding position of all time..

But its not enough to shake off our masked maniac, El Mascarado is waiting for her when she crawls out and  makes a botched effort at grabbing her that the killer from Scream would be proud of. Debbie uses her hooker heals to kick out a boarded up window and makes her escape, El Mascarado peruses her but when he gets outside she is no where to be seen. El Mascarado heads off to continue the search and Debbie pops up out of a barrel where she has been hiding, suitably wet (and still wearing the heels) she heads back to the van but can't start it cause she no longer has the key as its stuck in El Mascarado's hand.
She flicks on the van lights and we see that El Mascarado is standing there, Debbie tries to do a runner but her shorts get caught in the van door, she struggles free but looses her shorts in the process. It doesn't get any better than this! Debbie is now soaking wet and running around in her panties and high heels, god bless america! As she runs for it she passes the faceless body of Dallas and ends up in the room where Steve and El Mascarado had there run in. As the sweaty titted Debbie surveys the faces on the wall she is pulled to the ground by the faceless Steve who is in bad shape and looks like Lardass from Stand by me after he's been in the pie eating contest..


Nonetheless, with his dying breath he mumbles something to Debbie about talking El Mascarado's mask off . Debbie (now caked in blood after slithering around the ground) arms herself with a bit of wood that has some rusty nails sticking out of it and readies herself for the final showdown with El Mascarado.
Can she survive? Will she pay hommage to Hacksaw Jim Duggan and trounce El Mascarado with the 2x4?

As El Mascarado enters the room Debbie lets him have it with the naily 2x4 in the back, then she picks up a piece of piping and runs him through with it. This is some display of physical strength by the pornstar as El Mascarado looks like he weighs about 320lbs, whereas Debbie can only weigh in at about 120lbs, 40 of which is probably made up of her silicone tits...
Anyhooo, as Debbie goes to unmask the crazed wrestler El Mascarado comes back to life and makes a grab for her. In the struggle Debbie pulls the van key out of El Mascarado's hand and does a runner. Meanwhile El Mascarado starts yanking the pipe out of his torso  no doubt preparing himself to come back for another go at the Debbmeister.

What the fuck.. She's nearly out of there but in typical woman fashion she decides to sit on the ground and have a good cry. Fucks sake woman! Run!!! As she sits there (in the church where Alfonse was hiding out earlier) the doors open to reveal the van in the middle of the street, but before Debbie can make it out the doors swing shut and darkness descends...
Then, all of a sudden, Debbie comes running out, screaming like a.... well.. like a girl I guess.. Anyway, she's screaming like fuck and legging it for the van but she stops, the reason for this abrupt stop?
She's got a big piece of pipe rammed through her. Ha ha!! Ould El Mascarado must have caught up with her and gave her what for, that'll fucking teach her to sit about crying. Pity we didn't get to see it though, they must have run out of money and couldn't afford another death scene.

And so the movie ends with the unlikely anti hero El Mascarado driving away in the van while messing about with the radio, no doubt on a mission to seek out other up and coming porn crews, so he can butcher them.
The music El Mascarado drives away to is fucking shit as well, some country and western rock shite, how degrading.. where's the Speedy Gonzales brass band gone?? Totally unbelievable that a Mexican wrestler would tolerate such shite, let alone put it on the radio.

The end.

Marks out of 10 = 3.