Bullet To The Head

Revenge might never get old but Sly Stallone sure as fuck does! Jesus Christ he's even more leather faced than usual in this show, the latest offering from the once mighty Walter Hill, (he of The Warriors, 48hrs and Brewsters Millions fame). Anyway, there's fuck all on telly this weather and given my hankering for a bit of Walter Hill violence, (and Sly's always reliable acting skills) I've decided to give this little ditty a spin on the oul picture box.

The show kicks off with the Asian lad Han, from the Fast and the Furious movies, getting into a car where some cunt pulls a gun on him. But before he can say boo, some other cunt shoots the holder of the gun through the drivers seat window. Who could it be? Its Sly of course you silly billy, the bad ass that he is....

Sly's doing a big deeeepppp voice over that makes him sounds like one of them bucks from the PS3 shooting games, he's harping on about how the buck he killed a minute ago was a copper, and how he's gonna narrate the story as it goes down..

And away we go, the movie kicks into action with Sly and his buddy driving about the town, pulling donuts and checking out the talent like most lads do on a Friday night . Himself and Han are wearing Subaru 555 jackets and talking on the CB to a few other boys, trying to find out where the craic might be in Dungloe on a Friday night.

Na, they're not really. They're hit men and they're on there way to kill some fucker, and hit men don't dress like retards, so the stupid rally jackets are out. The buck they're gonna kill is up in a hotel room horsing through a bottle of Voddy and a mountain of coke, in preparation for having a right old time of it with some hooker he's got waiting for him in the shower. But alas his fun is cut short as the lads,  posing as cops, kick the door in and plug him with a few in the chest.

Sly heads into the shower to kill the chick but pussys out when he spots a tattoo on her back, meanwhile the buck they shot is up and battering Sly's mate, not bad for a cunt that was dead a minute ago..
Anyway, Sly comes in and caps him with a bullet to the head. Dinner for two, cancelled. Him and his mate then head of to a bar to get paid.

The bar is a fucking tight spot, who the fuck would want to meet anyone here? Its got country and western music blaring and is packed with rednecks, so kind of like Big Francies in Ardara during the poor farmers night. Anyhoo, one particular cunt (who looks like Andy Carroll) is scoping the boys out, he looks like he wants to do the lads harm as he watches from afar. And sure enough, when Sly is in the jacks, he cruises over and knifes his mate a few times. What's that I hear you say, how'd he manage to do that in a public place? Well he just walked over to him and fucking stabbed him. The rednecks in the bar are somehow locked in a country & western/Budweiser trance, and take no notice of the murder that just took place IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING BAR!

Jesus, this film is gonna be bollix and I know it.

Anyway, Carroll heads into the jacks to do in Sly but gets his ass kicked before running off like a little bitch. Sly heads back to the bar where his dying mate gives him his trusty knife before keeling over.

After that there's a bit of a montage where dodgy photos of Sly holding up the old jail house cards flash up as he continuous to narrate the story, informing us that on this particular job "things got rough" As rough as his ould doll I hear you say. Which is a fair point but I'm sort of convinced that Sly and his ould doll are the same person, kind of like Michael and Latoya... But I digress...

Its the following day and Han from Fast and the Furious is in town, he's a copper come to crack the case of the chap Sly and his dead mate killed in the hotel. Turns out coke man from the hotel was an ex cop and Han used to work with him, anyway he's in the morgue and is starting to put the pieces together already. Using his trusty phone he finds out that the dead cop was mates with a cunt called Baby Jack Lemoyne, what a name! Also in the morgue is Sly's pal, lying on a slab getting carved up by the autopsy lads. Han puts 2 and 2 together and susses out that Sly's mate most likely capped coke man before getting set up and iced himself, smart fucker. He leaves a message for Sly and arranges to meet him in a bar. They meet and have a boring conversation which ends when Sly tells the cop to fuck off. Han piles out on the street but gets chased by some lads into a car park who try and kill him. He get's shot in the arm and is proper fucked before Sly comes to the rescue in his big ass car by running some cunt down, nice.

Meanwhile, on the other side of town Andy Carroll is visiting his mates Christian Slater, and Adebisi from that fucking class show Oz that used to be on TG4 late at night. Slater and Adebisi appear to be some manner of crooked developers involved in a land grab or some sort of white collar shenanigans. Anyway, the story doesn't matter cause the plot is a bag of shite. It transpires that the excellently named Baby Jack Lemoyne has some file the boys need, so Carroll is dispatched to go retrieve it.

While this is going down Sly takes Han to his daughters gaff, she's a smoking hot tattoo artist who agrees to patch Han up. Han try's chattin her up but but Sly come in a fucks up his game, cock blocker.

Meanwhile Andy Carroll is wasting no time in tracking down Baby Jack Lemoyne, he marches into his hideout and smokes every fucker there, swiping whatever shit is was that Slater and Adebisi wanted. This is more like the uber violence I was expecting from Walter Hill, with Carroll sparing no bastard as he leaves a trail of bodies in his wake.

Sly and Han are back on the baddies trail and cruising across town in Sly's pimpin ride. Sly gives Han the name of the boy who hired him to kill the coke cop. He's some fucker called Ronnie and Han uses his phone to track him down at a Turkish bath.
He fucking loves his phone does Han.
Anyway, Sly's not impressed and when they get to bathhouse he tells Han to stay put, while he goes inside to suss this Ronnie fucker out.

In the bath house the Ronnie says he had nothin to do with the Sly getting set up, he suggests it was the clients fault and that they should team up and go sort that cunt out. Sly agrees and tells Ronnie to get dressed. But Ronnie has a gun in his pile of clothes and pulls it on Sly to shoot him in the back but oh no..., he's been set up. Sly the crafty fucker has emptied the bullets out of his gun and made him look like a right judas prick.

Sly pulls his own gun and Ronnie shites it, he gives up Slater and begs for his life, but Sly isn't interested and decides to clip him, but unbelievably HIS fucking mag is empty as well! Han the slippery bollix must have done it before he went into the bath house! So Sly and the Robbie duke it out but Sly fucking beats the shite out of him before getting to a gun and filling his chest full of lead and finishing him off with a Bullet To The Head (this is a recurring theme, and ties in nicely with the title of the movie).

Sly gets outside and gives Han a smack for messing around with his gun but the boys are now hot on the trail of Christian Slater. Han gets his phone out and susses out where Slater is hanging out, he also checks out Sly's rap sheet and bangs on about how fucking great his phone is... Jeasus Sly, take that fucking phone off him and ram it up his ass already! Han and his fucking Blackberry are starting to get on my whick...

Anyway, the boys arrive at Slaters house and he's having a masquerades party, the place is full of well to do types and loads of naked chicks, why the fuck don't I ever invited to something like this! And what are the odds our ould buddy El Mascarado is on the scene?? Upstairs at the party Adebisi is smooth talking some investor types with his land grab plan while Slater is stumbling about like a pisshead. Sly sees Carroll but resists the temptation to go for him and instead smashes Slater in and kidnaps him. Fuck me anything goes down in New Orleans from stabbing cunts in bars to kidnapping lads at their own party.

The boys take Slater back to Sly's gaff where Sly interrogates him and he spills the beans about Adebisi and the land deal. Once Slater have given everybody up Sly fucking shoots him in the head! Boom! Slater's barely hit the floor when Carroll and his mates turn up and riddle Sly's shitty gaff with bullets. But Sly and Han escape trough a trap door and leave a bomb for Carroll and the boys, sneaks cunts! The bomb goes off killing all Carrolls men, but Carroll uses his gymnastic skills to leap out a window avoiding the blast, playa.

Sly and Han nip round to Sly's tattooed daughters to catch her in the nip getting out of the bath, the dirty cunts! There's some gay heart to heart stuff and they fuck off. At this stage Adebisi's found out that Sly has a daughter, so once more he dispatches Carroll to do the dirty work. Carroll, the subtle operator that he is, waltzes into tattoo chicks workplace and pummels every cunt, including the bird, before exiting with the tattooed chick under his arm like a man coming out of The Grill on a Saturday night..

At this stage Han has rung the cops and meets some Captain buck in a car park where he divulges the intricacies of Adebisi's dastardly plan. But the cop isn't interested (neither am I) and pulls a gun on Han. But before he can use it Sly smokes his pig ass through the window. That's right, its the scene from the start meaning this bullshit has come full circle and will hopefully end soon.

The boys are driving about in the car when Carroll rings Sly to inform him he has his tattooed daughter. Sly agrees to give Carroll a usb drive that the lads lifted off Slater in exchange for the chick and away they go. At the rendezvous Sly drives in while Han ninjas his way in using the stairs. Sly does the deal with Adebisi for the usb drive and then does another deal with him agreeing to kill Han for a cool $250,000! What the fuck is going on here??? Why doesn't Adebisi just fucking kill Sly and his daughter, take the fucking usb drive or whatever and be done with it? This is beyond fucking stupid at this stage.

As Sly and tattoo head off we see that Han the sly cunt is up on the stairs recording Adebisi and Carroll on his trusty phone, FUCK OFF WITH THE PHONE YOU GIMP! We get it, smart phones are class. Anyway, Carroll has had enough of Adebisi's shite, and after pulling the stunt he just pulled by letting Sly go (and agreeing to give him 205 grand) he decides to up the stupidity levels even further and blows Adebisi away.

Downstairs, Sly uses a remote control bomb in his car to blow up a rake of bastards before finding Carroll for the long awaited showdown. In keeping with the ridiculous nature of the film Carroll decides that instead of shooting Sly with his gun, he should throw it away, so they can fight one another with Firemans axes!

The fight kicks off and its obvious Carroll knows what he's doing. He's spinning his axe around like its a drumstick in a ninja like fashion while Sly stand there like a pleb. Sly manages to survive the initial onslaught but Carroll comes back at him for more. Jesus the buck playing Carroll is a tank, he's swinging the axe around in one hand like its a fucking badminton racket or something! Himself and Sly trade blows with the oul fists for a bit but both men retain their axes and go at it again.

Then, with a savage blow, Carroll breaks Sly's axe in half and it looks like he's done. But Sly is too long in the tooth to go out like that, and he lets Carroll have it in the foot with the broken bit of his axe. Wonder why he didn't just axe him in the chops as it would have taken less effort....

Anyway, Sly whips out his dead mates knife and rams it into Carrolls throat, boo-ya! But its not over yet cause Carroll is a treble hard cunt, so he rips the blade from his own throat and pitches back to have one final swipe at Sly with his axe.

But from the shadows Hans lights Carrolls ass up and saves Sly's bacon. Then he starts harping on about how Sly must face the law or something, but Sly doesn't give a fuck what Han thinks, and he shoots him for good measure. He tells Han to put the blame on him and walks off into the sunset like the mother fucking bad ass he is.

A few weeks later and Sly and Han meet up for a drink. And Han informs Sly that he's now banging his tattooed daughter, and that if he steps out of line, he'll be coming after him. But Sly doesn't give a fuck, he walks out the door of the bar leaving Han standing there like a spear prick. As he narrates over the story he informs us that "that's how it went down, nothin changed, a few guys got killed that no one will miss" and he jumps in his new Farrarri and fucking tears off into the night, no doubt looking for boys in Imprezas and Twin Cams to race through the Sally Gap.

Fuck my arse but that was the biggest pile of shite I've seen in a while, how the mighty have fallen. Walter Hill reduced to putting his name to this shite, surely he owes some cunt a right pile of cash. Not surprising that Sly would be involved, given that staring in turkeys has been his mainstay for many a year.. Deep down I knew this was going to be bad but I was hoping for some sort of tribute to the old school violence of the 80's but it wasn't to be. The plot change at the end was just too fucking stupid to comprehend. The next time my wages are up for review I'm sending Sly in to do the negotiating, the hostage and $250,000?? Really???

This gets 3/10 for the following reasons.
Reason No1 - Adebisi was in it, and seeing him reminded me of how fucking class that Oz show was.
Reason No2 - there was a buck called Baby Jack Lemoyne in it, and that my freinds is a bitchin name.
Reason No3 - The bit where Andy Carroll shoots everyone in the hideout was good enough.

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SonOfSam92.