http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083630/?ref_=sr_1
@FrankCraig13 recommended this one also. Better than his last choice, but an episode of Sponge Bob would have been better than that Wrestlemaniac bullshit. I'd appreciated it if someone who doesn't love shit films would recommend the next one.
The film kicks off with the villain Maax played by Rip Torn hanging in his bad pad at the base of his pyramid with his three butterfaced witches. They have hot bodies... but rotten faces. You wouldn't touch them with a barge pole if you knew what was good for your manhood.
Rip and the slags get evicted from their pyramid temple by the King. He says he’ll have none of this evil shanadagins in his kingdom and for them to clear out ta fuck!!! The king’s bodyguard is also present at this stage. A big black fella called Seth, he features again later.
Rip’s escorted from the city but one of his sly cackling slags with a face like a raped ass hangs back and sneaks into the kings chambers when he’s sleeping. She pours some florescent date rape juice on the king and queen and then transfers the queen’s unborn baby into cow... creepy shit!!! She slinks out of town and wings up into the mountains for a quick blast of ritualistic baby sacrifice, as you do. She brands him a hot poker but then this ould fella stumbles upon the villainy and has it out with the Ian Dowie faced witch before dumping her in the fire. Two witches left. Things heating up now!
Baby Beastmaster grows up with ould buck in a village on stilts learning early in life that he has the power to control animals... class.
Now in his 20's the bucks in savage shape. Poor bastard though, this film was made in the same year as Arnie was prancing round in Conan the Barbarian. So I imagine when people went to the cinema and seen this buck they must have through... who's this wimpy cunt???
Then one day he’s out tilling the field with his dog and his able bodied mates. The ould fella, the rest of the old codgers, wemen and screaming wanes are hanging out back in stilt town. While the young fellas are out pulling their turnips evil priest Rip and a band of Genghis Khan mother fuckers turn up and start laying waste to stilt town. The ould boys gets trampled at the front gate and that's the end of him, the wemen put up a better fight but inevitably the baddies kick seven shades of shit out of everyone in village! The Beastmaster and the rest of the young bucks return half way through the ruckus only to get a kicking too. Knocked unconsciousness he's dragged from stilt town by his dog, but not before some sly whore on horseback sticks an arrow in the pouch's ribs... dirty!
Beastmaster wakes up next morning beside his dead dog in the forest. He heads back to the burnt out Ewok village, piles all the corpses up and burns them and then he's off for some hardcore revenge. He picks up an eye in the sky eagle, a pair of thieving weasels and a big fuck off black panther for extra mussel. We’ll call him Panthro.
Down the road he comes across two chicks swimming with their tits out. One of these is the love interest and a bond girl to boot. Oh… suits you sir!!
He dispatches the weasels to steal her clothes while he spies on them... the dirty cunt! Not sure what the director was aiming for here. Wemen must have been into peeping tom bestiality bucks back in 1982. He starts flirting with the semi naked hot chick after pretending to scare off Panthro... fuckin sly!! He figures out she’s a slave girl belonging to Rip's clerical crew, but still he's got a mad stiffy for her. I would be too, slave bondage and all that shit... whips and chains… giggity!! She legs it off into the forest and he starts to follow but loses her trail. Some Beastmaster you are!
After a bit of aimless wandering about, he ends up at this weird tree with some buck in a cage a big cauldron of soup full of human limbs... yuck! Obviously he’s taken a wrong turn here. Turns out it’s the hang out spot for these mummification bird men who wrap people up with their wings and digest them in a matter of seconds, spitting out the remains... charming.
Our hero looks to be in a spot of bother as they close in on him and Panthro until his eagle turns up and perches on his arm. The bird men are like "You know what Beastmaster, you’re alright by us, catch you later."
In his search for his red hot slave girl he turns up at city where Rip Torn's pyramid temple is. The road there is lined with heads on spikes so he takes the hint and like a clever fella, leaves Panthro in the wilderness and heads on into town incognito to see what's a happening... crafty. Turns out Rip is up to no good on top of the pyramid preaching doom and gloom and tossing some young lad into a fire to appease his god, what a cunt!!! After chucking the wee fella in he says his god still isn't happy and wants more... the greedy bastard! His cronies mussel into the press of peasants and grab a little girl. They drag her up to the top of the pyramid and Rip bench presses her, Hulk Hogan style before tossing her to the flames. However last minute the Beastmaster has his eagle cut in for an interception, snatching the child up and carting her to safety. Rip catches a quick glance of the Beastmaster before our hero disappears Batman style! when Rip looks away for a second... fucking legend!
Later he returns the child to its parents and gets some intel on what’s happening in the city. Basically, Rip Torn's a total wanker burning babies and ruling the city 1984 style. His Genghis Khan hoard are out and our in the countryside raping and pillaging but everyone is scared shitless to do anything because Genghis and the boys will be back to whoop ass if they do. The Beastmaster heads off because his red haired chick has been shipped out of the city to be taken away to be sacrificed so the Beastmaster is like “Not on my watch!!!”
While watching the show through the ass faced witches magic spy pool, Rip sees the assassins fail when the Bastmaster is helped out by the big black guy Seth who was the King’s bodyguard from the start of the movie and some white kid. The young fella appears to be the Kings son, which would make him the Beastmasters younger brother, and they also break the news that the King is still alive being held by Rip in the base of the pyramid. Plus, no one including the beastmaster realizes yet who he really is. And to make things even more complicated, and a little sick it turns out that the red haired chick is the daughter of the kings brother, making her the beastmaster’s cousin, but then again he sleeps with animals so I’m not thinking that was going to put him off muchin on some cousin muff.
So the Beastmaster, his younger brother and the black fella bust the red hot cousin out of bondage when they ambush the red priests that are taking her off to be sacrificed. Some incestuous flirting goes on and then the Beastmaster agrees to help them bust the King, his father out of the pyramid prison. However... the Beastmaster’s younger brother is now wearing the magic spy ring that Rip’s assassin’s had after it got looted from their corpses... oh dear! So Rip and his horse faced mistresses know all their plans!
After the drawn out snorefest plot development, himself, red head, his wee brother and the animals slip into the city and make their way to the pyramid. It’s full of red priest bastards and these psychotic Legion of Doom mother fuckers with glowing green eyes!!!
Their hard as nails and high on cocaine, guaranteed to fuck up anyone they catch!!! Bit of cat and mouse action through the pyramid dungeons before they find the King. He’s had his eyes gouged out and he’s in tight shape. There’s a fight between the Beastmaster’s crew and Rip with one of his working girls. The Beastmaster wastes another of Rip’s three hot bodied witches before escaping with the King. Close shave there!!!
They retreat with the rescued king out into the wilderness to recuperate and plan their next move. The blind king turns out to be a totally ungrateful asshole and tells the Beastmaster “Go crawl down a hole with your animals.” What a fucking asshole!!! Personally, I’d have kicked that blind prick in the teeth right there and then. But the Beastmaster takes it like a champion and walks off. He heads out into the wilderness for a bit of a cry (what a pussy!), forbidden to ever return or lay a hand on his smoking cousin.
Some time later, the Beastmaster gets word that off camera, King asshole launched an attack on the Pyramid city and got everyone captured. Apparently, Rip’s going to sacrifice the Beastmaster’s ginger minged cousin before he ever gets a chance to drop the illicit paw. “Not a fucking chance!” Our hero races off back to the city. He storms in with Panthro, the bird and the weasels after some dumb cunt left the front gate open. Like a legend, he slices his way to the top of the pyramid inciting a peasant rebellion as he goes and confronts Rip at the top... Exciting stuff now!!
Rip has his father and hot cousin ready to be killed and fills our hero in that he's the kings son. Hearing all this the blind king realizes how much of a dickhead he’s been, but all to late as Rip knifes him to death. (Rightly fucking so too, the ignorant prick) Rip then turns on the Beastmaster and goes at him. It’s a tusseltastic wrestlefest between the two of them until the Beastmaster plants Rips’s own knife in his gut... ouch!! The villain doubles over and hits the floor. The last of the witches turns into a dove and bails, surviving to fight another day. The Beastmaster goes straight for his cousin and picks her up thinking “Gona get me some of this forbidden fruit.” He’s carting her down the pyramid with a chubby in his loincloth when Rip opens his eyes, pulls the dagger from his belly, gets up and makes his way down the stairs to do the Beastmaster in the back. It’s up to one of the Beastmasters two weasels to take one for the team and launch himself at Rip Torn. The little fella sinks his teeth into the villain’s neck and both of them go tumbling into the sacrificial fire pit to be incinerated!! It’s a harsh end for the little weasel, but at least he went down fighting. Some sorrowful looks at the fire pit from the Beastmaster before he turns to the hordes of peasants with his hot wet cousin in his arms and stars basking in the glory... as anyone would.
I recon it should have ended there, but it didn't. Turns out the Genghis Khan hoard are on their way back to town. The peasants get to work and set a trap for the hoard by covering over the tarpit moat with sand and moving the bridge back a few hundred feet... the sneaky bastards. The hoard turns up and like a bunch of chumps, run right into it... Suckers!!! I never realized tar was so combustible, because once a naked flame hits it the whole thing blows sky high as shown below.
With his hoard decimated, Genghis himself goes at the Beastmaster in mano a mano combat. The fight’s pretty crappy to be honest and Genghis is eventually dehorsed and impaled on his own weapon! His remaining honourless men close in on the Beastmaster and his crew to finish them off but just at the last minute the eagle returns with the Mummification bird men who envelop the remaining baddies and turn them to slurry... Class!
That’s it then, the Beastmaster’s younger brother goes on to become the new King. But only because the Beastmaster passes up his chance as he's first born. He heads off out into the wilderness to tuck into that related issue he’s been watering at the mouth for all film long... dirty dog!! He’s fully aware at this point she’s his cousin but obviously doesn't give a flying fuck any more!! They head off to ride like rabbits and live happily ever after. (Rabbits that are related that is.)
Conclusion: This film is long enough at almost two hours. They could have done with cutting some of the shit out of it including the last battle, but the parts that were good were entertaining. The animals are funny, especially the two weasels and Rip's a proper evil prick. It's also got a bond girl's tits in it and that hard to find. Saying all that its still no Conan the Barbarian, but following in Arnie’s footsteps is a tall order...
Sam’s review 6/10, or if you’re the type that has a hankerin to fuck your cousin, 8/10.
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