The Ninth Gate

Roman Polanski's Horror Mystery Thriller The Ninth Gate staring Johnny Depp. As crazy as a day trip to the mental asylum, this movie contains all the key ingredients of a psychological breakdown. I definitely feel crazier after writing this. (As requested by @RayDelaSole)

So the film starts off with this old fart writing a letter in his personal library. He finishes it up and seals it in an envelope, all very professionally. Once that menial task is finished he hops up on a stool, sticks his head in a noose and leaps to his death, hanging himself. What Oh!!

The AT on his slipper stands for Andrew Telfer, because we find out later that it’s his name. Personalized slippers, very fancy indeed!! Andy
was a respectable old chap and even refrains from shitting himself or hosing down his shorts as I've heard people do when they die. The camera then pans about a bit and a creepy musical score kicks off. Finally the camera comes to rest on a space on the book shelf where one single book is missing. Intriguing!!

After the intro credits roll we cut to a high-rise apartment in New York City and here where we find Johnny Depp evaluating a rare book collection. He looks like a well to do intellectual type, but not the type of guy that could take a kicking or stand up to any amount of torture. Pussy!!!

The book collection belongs to an ould codger in a wheelchair, but he looks like he’s had a stroke bigger than my cock and now is unable to talk without a permanent cum face. His books are being sold by his money grabbing fat faced son and fatty’s greedy wife. JD tells them it’s a cracking book collection and worth just over half a million. He notes a couple of choice volumes to them and tells them to keep those ones safe. He then says that incidentally there is a collection of four books he’s like to take off their hands, explaining that they aren't worth much but can offer four grand hard cash up front for them. 

The camera cuts to the ould wheelchair bound codger who’s facing away from the conversation. He might have a permanent cum face, but he’s still mentally with it and can hear the four grand offer form JD. The ould guy has a look in his eyes like he’s shitting his pants with rage, obviously aware that those four books are worth far more than the paltry four thousand JD is about to pay for them, the sneaky cunt.

Oblivious to Christy Brown’s pearls of wisdom, fat son and wife accept the offer and JD strolls out of there having rightly swindled a wheelchair bound ould buck, what a wanker!!!

On his way out he makes for the elevator and when it opens he bumps into another book evaluator called Witkin, who's on his way up to meet the wheely and fat face. Witkin, a dickey bow wearing toff, knows exactly what JD is up to, and calls him an unscrupulous vulture while waving a chunky finger in his face.

It’s become apparent at this stage that JD is a complete and utter cunt!!! From here he heads across town to Bernie’s Rare Books. The sign says closed but JD piles on in anyway. Bernie comes down stairs and explains that he’s heard about how JD cut in on Witkin’s sale and ripped off Stephen Hawkins.

JD strikes up a cigarette and pours himself a stiff one obviously not giving a fuck… He takes a swig of his drink and whips out the four books that he just boosted. Bernie’s eyes light up hungrily like the baby on the Trocaire box and after a bit of haggling, he agrees to hook JD up with his Swiss buyer for a 10% cut of the profits. Haggleicious!

From here JD’s off to Balkan Press, a big fuck off building in central New York. This Boris Balkan chap is giving a lecture entitled Demons and Medieval Literature… AND he’s got a Ph.D, the fancy cunt. JD slips into the back of the Lecture hall where Balkan is banging on about witches and devils and all sorts of supernatural bullshit.

JD also notices a tasty bit of blond crumpet in the lecture hall who gives him the eye. Hot as she is, the lecture is boring as fuck, and JD soon nods off. When it ends he’s woken by Balkan and they head off to do business. JD catches the eye of blondy again as him and Balkan slip out the back door.

They head up in the elevator to Balkan’s private collection of books. There in a high security glass cabinet which I assume is bullet, flame, rocket and even Pope Bergoglio proof as all the books are on the subject of El Diablo. Creepy fucking shit!!!

Balkan starts harping on about how fucking awesome his collection is. His hands are in his pockets when he’s talking and I'm pretty sure he’s masturbating while he’s saying all this. He’s even got a copy of The Nine Gates to the Kingdom of Shadows, look at me!

Only three copies of this bad ass book exist and one of the three is said to be a direct reproduction of a book written by the devil himself. Word round the satanic camp-pyre is that this old dusty piece of literature can summon the devil himself. A real party piece!!! Balkan picked himself up a copy from Andrew Telfer, the guy who didn't shit his pants after he hung himself at the beginning of the movie. He ‘conveniently’ bought it off him right before he topped himself and now wants to know if the copy is genuine.

In order to find out he’s prepared to send JD on an all-expenses paid trip to Europe to compare his copy with the two other copies in existence. One is in Portugal and the other's in Paris. JD explains to Balkan that the copy looks legit from what he can see but Blakan states that there is something wrong with it. JD replies with a smile “You mean the devil won’t show up!” There’s an awkward silence to that one, with Balkan giving him a ‘go fuck yourself’ look…

Balkan then then sends him on his way with a fat cheque in his pocket and an airline ticket in one hand and Balkan’s copy of The Nine Gates to the Kingdom of Shadows in the other. Score!!

Before setting out across the world JD calls round to Liana Telfer, the wife of Andrew, the jolly old codger who left himself dangling from the rafters at the start of the film. She’s a raunchy old cougar, but hasn't got many years left before she’ll be passed her sell by date. 

JD whips out Balkan’s copy of the Nine and asks her if she knows where her deceased hubby picked it up. She says he bought it off the Ceniza brothers in Spain, a pair of book restoration geezers.




After that it’s off to the library for a bit of research. JD finds out that some serpent cult is linked to the books but before he can uncover more he spots the blond crumpet from the lecture hall again. She’s hanging about the library like a hooker under a red light!! By the time four eyes gets his glasses on though she’s disappeared, Batman style and he’s left alone with the book. It’s flopped open at a smutty old page depicting a naked bird on dragons back holding a book and pointing to a burning castle… how mysteriously erotic, I know I got a stiffy.

When JD gets back to his apartment he finds it trashed, like someone was looking for something?? No prizes for guessing what that was.... Feeling the heat he swings by Bernie’s book shop and asks Bernie to stash the book for him while he gets his shit together for his intercontinental holiday.

Back at his apartment he’s packing his bags and there’s a knock on the door. It’s Telfer’s old cougar wife and she’s looking for her husband’s book back. She says she’ll offer him a fat wad of cash and a ride on the tiger in exchange for the book. The dirty old wench lifts her skirts up and shows him her goods. Suits you sir!

They proceed in making the beast with two backs and while JD’s hand is in the devil’s playground we get a glimpse of a tattoo of intertwining snakes on the dirty old mare's ass, the same symbol that had come up earlier when JD was doing his homework in the library.

She’s obviously a member of the cult of the satanic snake people and once she’s finished riding him like a tricycle she starts going through his stuff looking for the book. When she can’t find it she has a proper ‘time of the month’ blow out and the crazy bitch goes ballistic!!! She starts screaming about the book while clawing and biting at him. The poor cunt’s got his trousers round his ankles and stumbles round while she hammers him. Her coup de grace is busting a bottle of spirits over his head (what a waste!) which drops him to the floor. By the time he wakes up, scraped, bitten, and soaked in booze, with his trousers round his ankles and jizz dried into his thighs, she’s long gone.

He gets his stuff together and rings Bernie to check in. But what’s this… there’s no answer. I'm thinking this looks pretty bad for Bernie and my suspicions are confirmed when JD calls round to find Bernie strung up like a side of beef, dangling from his leg. This is just like one of the pictures in the book too. 

JD, being a grade A piece of shit grabs the book from Bernie’s secret stash and bails without even cutting poor old Bernie down. Harsh!! He calls Balkan from a phone box and tells him that he wants out of the job. Balkan brushes him off verbally and promises to increase his cash reward, then hangs up before JD even says yes… but JD continues onto the airport anyway, because he’s Balkan’s little bitch! Between crazy slags and his Bernie getting butchered, JD gets the fuck out of town and catches a flight to Spain to catch up with the Ceniza brothers. These are the guys that crazy Mrs Telfer’s husband bought his copy of The Nine Gates from. I know… this shits getting complicated at this stage.

 He arrives at the Ceniza brothers shop in Spain. These two bucks look like an older version of the Mario brothers. They explain to JD that they used to own the book but sold it to Telfer because his raunchy old missus badgered the fuck out of him to buy it for her.

What’s that dirty old mare’s angle??? They go on to explain that there are nine illustrations in the book. That’s pictures for all you thick cunts out there.
They reckon that six of them are signed by the guy who wrote the book and three of them are signed by LCF, the devil himself. (Not to be confused with Liverpool Football Club, which is a totally different and more heinous type of evil.)

JD bails from the shop and heads to catch a train to Portugal where a dude called Victor Fargas has a second copy of the book and Balkan is paying JD to compare them. As he’s leaving some dodgy Spanish scaffolding almost crushes him, and he has to run like fuck to avoid getting buried alive like patient in a back ally clinic after something's gone wrong.
It’s a devilishly spontaneous accident and he’s naturally pretty spooked. But he doesn't take the hint and makes for the train to continue on his quest… snoopy bastard. On the train he bumps into blondy again, who’s pretty blasé about their reoccurring meetings. He’s questioning her like the Spanish inquisition when he notices for the first time that she’s got green eyes.

I know what you’re thinking… where’s our old mate Lo Pan, this sounds like his sort of woman!!! But alas, Lo Pan is nowhere to be seen and the movie continues. JD earmarks blondy as one of Balkan’s spies being paid to keep an eye on him.

In Portugal he calls to Victor Fargas’s house. Victor plays the violin and enjoys a quiet brandy occasionally, what a nice man. Oh and did I mention he has a massive collection of satanic books… Lovely! Victor lets JD examine his copy of The Nine Gates to the Kingdom of Shadows. He lays out Balkan’s copy of the book and Victors copy and starts comparing the two of them. The copies are identical at first glance. But old JD got himself a pair or reading glasses AND a magnifying glass. With his swelling intelligence he notices that some of the illustrations (pictures dummies) are different in each of the books. In one of the pictures there’s a beardy old codger with keys in his left hand and in another picture they are in his right.

It turns out that three of the illustrations in Victors book are different from Balkan’s and are signed LCF, presumably by old Beelzebub himself. Between the two books that now makes six illustrations signed by hells big daddy.

At the end of the day JD leaves Victor’s house to make for his hotel. As he’s leaving by the front gate he notices a car parked by the side of the road. He ignores it and starts walking back to town. Sucker… Suddenly, the car jumps to a start and goes straight for him!! 

He dodges by the hairs of his chinny chinny chin and is missed by inches. The auto mobile comes screeching to a halt and this black buck with bleached hair steps out. He's wearing a leather jacket and looks like he’s up to no good…

…but before he can lay a finger on JD a mysterious biker turns up and chases him off like the chicken shit he is. The biker is obviously blondy and after they are gone JD is left on his own. His trousers no doubt soaked with piss after his near miss he’s left with a soggy walk into town.

Back at his hotel he meets with blondy again who’s chilling out in a chair reading a book. JD hints that he knows it was her on the bike… well done there Holmes!, but he’s interrupted by a call at the front desk. It’s his employer Balkan so he takes the call in his room. He brings Balkan up to speed on the differences in the illustrations. Balkan sounds like he’s going to blow his load when he hears about the illustrations signed LCF stating that he MUST have that copy!!! JD says Victor’s copy isn't for sale but Balkan doesn't sound like he’s going to take no for an answer. After the phone call JD kicks off his shoes, knocks the phone off the hook and retires for a good night’s sleep… 

No such luck! It’s the middle of the night and there’s a knock on the door. Its blondy and she says they have to go to Victor’s house… NOW!! She’s vague about the details but JD tags along like a trooper regardless. They head out to Victor’s house on her motorbike and find poor old Vic sleeping with the fishes.

Inside the house Victor’s copy of the book has been toasted in the fire, but when JD examines the crispy remains he notices that the pages with the illustrations were ripped out before the book was tossed to the flames. He’s so clever!!!

JD’s teamed up with blondy now. They catch a flight to Paris to check out the other remaining copy of the The Nine Gates to the Kingdom of Shadows. They have a bit of a flirt on the plane but it doesn't even escalate to as much as a mile high shift. On top of that, when they arrive in Paris and go to head through customs, blondy disappears… So much for the winning team. Once in Paris, JD calls to Baroness Kessler, a one armed kraut in a wheelchair. 

Heil Hitler!! The old Nazi slag has her own copy of the Nine Gates and she used to be a member of the cult of the satanic snake people. She starts talking trash about Telfer’s slag wife with the snake tattoo on her ass. Apparently the snake cult annually read from the book of Nine Gates and have huge orgies in the name of the devil. Dirty bastards, Sam’s two cents says that either they were having orgies with amputee cripples or Baroness Kessler lost an arm and broke her back in one of these mad sex riots… I'm convinced of that! Anyway, after getting all this juicy gossip from the Baroness they start to get down to business. But once she figures out JD works for Balkan she tells him to get to fuck and clear out of her office before she turns on the gas!!

JD heads outside only to find the black fella with the bleached hair waiting for him. He slips into a pub to avoid him and tries to wait him out while drinking shots and smoking fags… I like his style!!! Several hours later its chucking out time and he leaves (half cut). Surprise surprise he’s jumped as soon as he gets outside. The black fella starts giving him a good kicking and snatches his bag with the book in it.

But before he can get anywhere blondy comes floating down out of the sky… that’s right, floating!!! We've entered into the realms of proper supernatural shit now. A floating woman, think of the sexual possibilities…

Blondy proceeds to kick the black guy’s ass all over the place and once again he legs it like a pussy assed bitch. JD and blondy head back to his hotel. He slips the guy behind the desk some francs and asks him to put the feelers out to see if the old tattoo assed cougar is in town. Him and blondy head up to his room and have a romantic stare off. On camera her eyes turn from blue to bright green and she smears blood all over his face. (Whatever you’re into missus??) JD starts asking questions but the phone rings. He’s got a call in reception and has to take it. It’s Balkan again (Cockblocker!!!) and he wants an update.
JD fills him in and Balkan tells him to get back over to Barren Von cripple kraut’s office and get a look at that book… Pronto!! JD puts his thinking cap on and makes a photocopy of the illustrations in Balkan’s book for the Baroness. When he gets back to his hotel room, Blondy has disappeared again, and without a woman to protect him he then stashes his book behind the safe in the hotel room.

The next day he’s back at the Baronesses office with his photocopies and uses his charm to warm the old war criminal round to his way of thinking. She lets him get a look at her book and lo and behold there are three more illustrations with slight differences and LCF signed at the bottom of them. That now makes nine illustrations across the three books all with the LCF signature, the pieces are coming together… how exciting! JD also finds a postcard with a castle in it of note in the Baronesses copy. It features later again. Alas, just as JD is getting to the meat of the discovery he gets smashed in the back of the head and goes out cold.

He comes round sometime later. After being sucker punched he’s a bit groggy but does his best to get his shit together. There’s an unusual whirring sound in the room and he looks up to see the crippled old Nazi from behind as she repeatedly drives her wheelchair into the wall at the far end of the room… women drivers!!!  She looks in worse shape than a one armed cripple usually does. JD stumbles over to her holding his head to see what’s up with the old biddy. He grabs her by the wheelchair and spins her round only to find…

…she’s been choked like a chicken on a lonely night!!! Amazingly, JD doesn't burst out laughing at the look on the face of the dead Baroness. I found it hilarious! Instead, he’s overcome with shock and lets go of her wheelchair. As soon as he does it goes into maximum overdrive and goes hurtling across the room to crash through the double doors that lead to the study. And what’s this!!! The study is on fire… and her corpse drives straight into the inferno… oh dear, that’s unlucky.

Cowardly scumbag that JD is he doesn't even think to try and rescue her from the flames on the off chance she might still be alive… Instead, the vagabond grabs his notes, satchel and of course his coat... it could be cold outside??? As he’s running past the Baronesses burning remains he spots her copy of Nine Gates on the desk in the middle of the fire. 

Despite his feeble efforts to reach in and snag the book from the fire it gets incinerated. But he has a swelling intellectual hunch that the three LCF illustrations were torn from the Baronesses copy before it was barbecued. No flies on him.

From here he bails back to his hotel and finds out that Balkan’s copy of the book has been swiped from his room!!! He’s in the shit now! He goes to complain at the front desk and the clerk tells him that his wife was up in his room. He objects but is cut off when there’s another phone call for him. It’s Balkan again and the pestering cunt is calling for another update after only getting one yesterday… JD explains that the Baronesses copy of the book HAD three illustrations with LCF written on them, that it’s roasted now and the old crone is also toast… oh and by the way I just lost your book. This doesn't go down well. In fact, JD might as well have just pissed in Balkan’s cornflakes… while he was eating them… with his mouth open! Balkan turns nasty, not that he was ever anything but a cunt! and tells JD that if he doesn't get his book back he’s worm food. 

JD puts the phone down and turns around to find blondy standing there. Now that his ass is on the line he grows a set of balls… But only a pair big enough to let him get manhandle a woman. He grabs her (assuming she was the ‘wife’ the clerk said was in his room) and demands his book back. His tough guy spell doesn't last long and she whips his arm behind his back and makes him cringe like the wimpy cunt he is. 

The guys at the front desk describe the woman who was in his room. Black hair, mature but still hot, snake cult tattoo on her ass… bingo! Telfer’s wife… The desk guys start digging and finds out that the sexy old MILF is staying at a hotel across town. JD sends Balkan a telegram saying “It’s the Telfer Woman!”

Blondy and JD get on Telfer’s tail. She’s with the black dude with the bleached hair and they follow them to a massive mansion in the countryside where the cult of the sexual snake people are having their annual orgy.
The place is full of rich cunts and their husbands with a plan to hobnob each other all night long while preaching to the devil. Blondy and JD climb to the second floor and catch a glimpse of a woman taking off the last of her attire to reveal a snake tattooed ass.

I’d know that ass anywhere thinks JD… the widow Telfer!! From the nip she slips into a comfortable looking black cultist robe. JD and blondy burst in and raid the room. They find the book but as they do Bleachy bursts in wearing his matching cultist robe with a “Dammmm!!!” expression on his face.

The opportunistic harlot Telfer takes the opportunity to snatch a gun from her sock drawer and turn the tables. She orders Bleachy to escort them downstairs and off both of them while she herself takes the book of Nine into the orgy for some lusty fun and an ear full of Satan!

The black guy comes to an unimpressive end when JD grabs his gun arm and throws him to the ground…

His expression is golden as he goes flying. Surprise mother fucker!!! Once on the cellar floor JD beats him to death with what I believe is a shoe… but can’t be 100% sure. Blondy looks well turned on by the fact that JD just offed someone with a shoe… bad sign in my books?

Upstairs cougar Telfer is preaching to the rest of the snake people in the tongue of the devil. Their all dressed in black but haven’t got their meat and veg out yet…

JD slips in wearing the black guys cultist robe and is about to make his move when the doors burst open and Balkan bursts in!! He acts the proper wanker storming up on stage, insults everyone in the cult of the snake cock and tells the procession that they know fuck all about summoning the devil. Like the big headed bastard he is, he says that only he knows the true secret to unlocking the power of hell and that it’s got nothing to do with the words in the book. This provokes another time of the month rage out by Mrs Telfer and she goes at him with tooth and nail!!! Balkan’s obviously a seasoned woman beater thought and starts making short work of her… 

Her cultist pals are a bunch of chicken shits and don’t bother helping out, only JD makes a move to help her. But Balkan beats him away like he was a woman too… what a manly man!!! JD wants to go in again but blondy floats down from the second floor landing and stops him from intervening. Then with one final squeeze from Blakan, sexy old Mrs Telfer gets choked out Hutchence style. Once she’s brown bread the rest of the cultists bail  and Balkan legs it with his book.

JD follows him in a crappy car chase before getting bogged down in a river because he complains, fights and now apparently drives like a woman. In his satchel though he has all his clues and figures out that Balkan is off to the castle from the postcard he found earlier.

He hitches a ride up to the castle in the countryside to confront Balkan in the final hoedown. Balkan’s inside and now that he’s got his own book back he has all nine pages with the LCF drawings. Three from his own book that he just recovered, Victor's three, after he drowned him, and the Baronesses three, meaning he offed her too. What a rascal. He’s chatting to himself about how the enigma is solved and preaches the following..

"To travel in silence by a long and circuitous route, to brave the arrows of misfortune and fear neither noose nor fire, to play the greatest of all games and win, foregoing no expense is to mock the vicissitudes of Fate and gain at last the key that will unlock the Ninth Gate." What-the-fuck-ever!!!

Balkan finally notices JD and tells him to clear out to fuck!!! JD pulls out the pistol he got off the black guy and tells Balkan that he’s going to take the pages and summon Lucifer for himself (you dirty dog JD!!). But alas, the dumbass fucks that up like everything else and ends up in a tussle with Balkan. Part of the floor gives way and poor old JD ends up stuck chest high in a hold in the ground. Loser.
Balkan satisfied that he’s no longer a threat, tells him he can watch the show. The nutter pours a circle of petrol round himself with JD just on the outside. He then turns to the camera and starts praying to his dark lord…

Balkan strikes up the fire circle and starts feeling the power surge through him (so he claims). He’s laughing hysterically talking about how invincible he is now. He waves his hands over the flames and concludes that he’s now immune to fire….

Now me… I’d probably have done some more extensive testing, but not old Balkan, he’s convinced and starts pouring petrol all over himself!!! The fire starts to catch and at first things are going splendidly… but then the LSD he must have taken before deciding to douse himself in petrol wears off and things turn bad for poor old Balkan.

Even his PhD can’t save him as he’s consumed by flames. JD manages to get himself unstuck, grabs the nine pages and then gives Balkan a sympathetic pistol round in the back as he’s screaming in pain. That finishes him off. Outside he meets with blondy and they finally get it on. 

She gives him a dose of the green eyes and before long they are at it… The picture is strangely akin to the one from the library where the naked bird was on the dragon’s back holding a book and pointing to a burning castle. JD’s the dragon and she’s riding him alright! Poor old Balkan must feel so cheated...

As JD busts his nut, Blondy pulls a cum face that Alice Cooper would be proud of. This woman is definitely a damsel of hell.

The next morning they leave and when they stop for gas she disappears and he finds a note telling him to go back to the Mario brothers shop in Spain. When he goes back he finds the place cleared out. The Mario brothers are gone and a couple of workmen are clearing out the last of the furniture. As they remove an old shelf a page falls from it. It’s one of the illustrations from the Book of Nine. 

It’s a different version of the naked bird with the dragon on her back. In this version the castle isn't burning, it’s got a mad light coming from the castle and she’s pointing to it.

One look at it and JD licks his forked tongue. In the next scene he’s back at the castle walking towards it. As he does, the doors open and lights comes pouring from them as he walks through.

The film ends here and the credits role… Yeah, I know what you’re thinking… Is that seriously fucking it?!? To be blunt… yes.

Basically it breaks down like this. The book wouldn't work for the cult of the sexual snake people because they were using the words… wrong! Balkan was on to it when he sussed it was in the imagery, and figured if he laid the illustrations out in the correct order and rambled out a load of shit he'd be immune to fire… but he burned alive. JD however enacted all nine of the illustrations throughout the film. The online community debate as to which parts of the film represent which of the nine illustrations, but I'm fucked if I'm going into that now.

Sam's review 5/10 This film is over two hours long and a good 45 minutes of that is pure shit. Car chases, snooping around, loads of pointless bollix that bored the fucking face off me. The story line is more complicated than a politician’s expense account and without the aid of the internet I doubt anyone could have figured out what the fuck was going on. I'm sure there are people out there that would claim they could have and did, but there all liars and in the spirit of the movie can fuck off and burn in hell. It was sitting at 4 out of 10 before I deciphered the plot via the internet and that gave me a crust more appreciation for it, pushing it up to a 5. Reviewing this has been even more difficult as I have to explain the plot to everyone else who subsequently reads it. Anyone else recommends something as complex as this for review will meet the same end as Balkan, only I’ll be holding the petrol canister.

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SonOfSam92.