The Lost Boys

Sleep all day, party all night, never grow old, never die. Its fun to be a Vampire..

That's right friends, its time to look back at the seminal classic that is The Lost Boys. As requested many moons ago by @BigDordy

Straight into it then! The movie kicks off with a wide angle air shot of Santa Carla pier to the monster 80's classic Cry Little Sister. Its night time and the kids are all down at the fun fair havin the craic, its a busy spot, kinda like McGurks during the evening time at the Mary from Dungloe, before some wee cunt lets off a stink bomb and wracks the buzz for everyone.

In the midst of all the craic Kiefer Sutherland is prowling about with his gang of long haired rocker looking mates. His gang is made up of Bill (from Bill and Ted) and two other bucks who look like they belong in an 80 Hair Metal Band, Ould Kiefer is on the hunt looking for some skirt and starts touching up a young wan on merry go round.

But her boyfriend isn't too impressed and a scuffle breaks out between his gang and Sutherland's.

But before thinks can kick off, a fat security guard (sporting a moustache Ron Burgundy would be proud of) steps in and breaks up the ruckus. He tells Sutherland and his gang to "get ti fuck sir" and they duly oblige.

As the fair closes and the lights go out on the rides, we see the fat security guard heading to his car. He's walking across the lot calmly, but turns and sees something in the sky that freaks him out so he runs like fuck. Fat chops fumbles around trying to get the door of his waggon open but he's plucked from the car park by some mysterious creature before he can make his escape.....

"Dun, dun, dun, dun, people are strange, when your a stranger..." sings the lead singer from Echo and the Bunnymen, as they murder The Doors classic with their god awful cover. Fitting that the lyrics go on about "no one remembering your name" as I can't fucking remember his, I do remember him being a tool though.

Anyway, that's the tune that's playing as brothers Sam and Michael ride into town in their ould dolls shitbox jeep/SUV thing. The boys are moving to the town and it looks like quite the spot judging by the calibre of freaks out and about on the pier, like this the lad above in the black hoodie.

The family is headed up by Dianne Wiest, a woman with the squintest eyes on the planet. Obviously there were no contacts back in the 80's so blind cunts either has to squint it up, or don the ould Buddy Holly's, like the freak above.

Son number 1 is Michael, a buck in his late teens with a bit of the Jim Morrison look about him. He's played by Jason Patrick, a man with a name more more suited to Glencolmcille than Hollywood..

Son number 2 is called Sam, like meself... Sam's a too-cool-for-school-young-teenage-know-it-all-pup of the MTV generation, with a fondness for shit over sized shirts and 80 shoulder pad jackets. The family head up to Wiest's ould boys house, where they set up shop.

Wiest's ould boy is a pure legend who couldn't give 2 fucks what anyone thinks about him. He looks mental and he acts mental, and his fucking gaff is mental as well, with rakes of weird stuffed animals all over the place. He also doesn't have a telly, cause he reads the TV guide instead, bitchin!




Its the boys first night in town so they head off to a concert down on the pier. Holy fuck!! The lead singer is Shawn Michaels from the wrestling and he's playing a fucking saxophone on the stage! Man that 80 sax music is fucking gas! People used to love that shit, and rightly so as the sax is probably the coolest fucking instrument there is.

Anyway, while the Commissioner Shawn Michaels does his stuff on stage Jason Patrick (JP) catches a glimpse of a hot bird and steams off after her like a dog in heat. Meanwhile squintyface Wiest is wandering about the board walk where she sees a missing poster with the fat security guard from earlier on it.. She spots some snot nosed kid who's lost and take him into a video shop where Sutherland and his gang are perving over a fit doll behind the counter. The kids mother come in and takes him away, obviously late for a parent of the year award.

The chief who runs the shop is Max, a shockingly bad dressed buck with glasses. He's rocking a pink stonewashed shirt covered over with a black and white chequered jacket with fuck off shoulder pads and the sleeves rolled up (obviously). The 80's was truly the pinnacle of not giving a fuck about how ridiculous you looked, the gear people wore back then and got away with was epic. Anyway, after telling Sutherland and his gang to "git ti fuck sir" the dirty ould Max lays the charm on squinty eyes. Outside on the pier JP the horndog is chasing the bird form the gig all over the shop, but Sam has had enough of following JP on his hunt and heads into a comic store for a break.

Holy fuck but Sam is the king of wearing 80's gear!
I mean check this get up out.. He's got the hair, the earring and the mental shirt, not to mention the obligatory full length jacket with shoulder pads and rolled up sleeves... The comic book shop is run by the Frog brothers, they're played by some buck who amounted to nothing and the stone cold legend that is Corey Feldman.

The boys rip the piss out of Sam's shit clobber but he hits back and belittles them with his awesome knowledge of Superman comics. The Frogs give Sam a comic on vampires, telling him it could save his life but he's not interested and fucks off to find JP. After all his chasing it turns out the doll JP was lusting after is Sutherland's bird, and she tears off on his motorbike leaving JP with a stiff dose of the horn and no one to play with.

The following day Sam heads back into the Frog brothers comic book shop where Corey Feldman informs him that the shop is only a cover for the boys, and that they are dedicated to hunting and killing vampires. Sam takes them for a pair of nutjobs so they give him another vampire comic and send him and his shit shirt on his way.

Later that evening JP's on the board walk and in a very un-80's move, he buys a normal looking leather jacket, no shoulder pads or nothing the smarmy wanker. Anyway shows what I know as the fucking jacket does the trick and attracts the attention of the bird from the night before and they get chatting. Just when it looks like JP is gonna seal the deal Sutherland and his gang roll in to throw a spanner in the works.

Sutherland challenges JP to try and keep up with him as the boys tear off on their scramblers. Jesus Christ I really wanted a bike after seeing this the first time but my ould doll was having none of it, "you'll kill yourself on wan of those yakes" she said. But she didn't understand the pulling power having a bike had, anyway, I was still on the BMX then so the bike was a pipe dream, some day though...

Anyhoo I digress... JP races through the night trying to keep up with Sutherland's gang and the two of them end up racing towards a cliff in a chicken style stand off. JP pussys out though and ditches his bike first, he's not to happy about loosing and chins Sutherland for good measure, but Sutherland doesn't give a fuck and invites him to the gangs secret lair.

Sutherland's lair is cool as fuck, its an ould hotel that fell into a canyon created by an earthquake years ago and is pretty bitchin (in comparison to the huts I used to hang around in when I was growing up).
JP smokes some weed with Sutherland and the boys before tucking into a Chinese take away. Fuck me but whatever this weed is that JP is smoking its powerful stuff as he hallucinates that his grub is maggots and worms instead of rice and noodles, whooo!! bad trip dude!! Anyway Sutherland produces some wine and tells JP to drink it and "become one of them".

JP, like any decent Glen man, caves under the peer pressure and horses the booze into him, and after stumbling about the lair for a bit, the gang heads for the rail road tracks to have the craic dangling off a rail bridge. At first JP is unsure but once again the peer pressure of the group forces him to take part.

Now I don't know about you, but some of the best decisions I ever made where down to peer pressure, drinking, smoking, drug taking, and other daily pleasures would surely have happened much later in life has some cool bastard not said "gowan ya poof, take one of these.."

Anyway, as the buck are dangling the train comes and one by one they fall off. Sutherland tells JP he's "wan of us" and to let go but JP is shitting it and houlds on for dear life. But eventually his grip gives up and he falls from the bridge.

Its the following day and JP is in the cot (why he isn't at the bottom of the ravine is a mystery). He looks fucking rough and the last thing he needs is his ould doll ringing to wreak his head.. Squinty eyes is heading on a hot date with fashion victim Max, and wants JP to look after Sam while she's out on the razz. Grandpa the durty ould codger is heading out as well, to try his luck with some widow down the road so the boys have the house to themselves.

After a weird sequence where it appears the house is being attached by a bike gang but its not, Sam hits the bath. While Sam's bathing JP starts to turn downstairs, the ould vampire in him is wanting to come out to play... JP steams into the bathroom but Sam's dog senses his intentions and jumps him biting him in the hand. Sam decides "fuck this for a game of soldiers" and locks himself in his room while JP goes to sleep it off. Sam rings the Frogs for advice and they tell him to steak JP in the heart and be fucking done with it.

Meanwhile JP wakes from his slumber to find he's flying around his bedroom (I shit you not), he's fairly shit at the flying though and ends up outside the gaff hanging on by the end of the phone chord. At this point Squinty eyes rings to see how the boys are getting on, Sam freaks when he sees JP flying outside his window and tells Wiest to get home fucking pronto cause JP's gone mad. Wiest jumps in her waggon and leaves shit fashion Max sitting on his own at the restaurant like a spare prick. When she gets back Sam cooks up some bullshit story while JP heads for Sutherland's lair on his bike to find out what's happening to him. Sutherland's bird is there and he asks her what the fucks going on but instead of answering him... she rides him.. Result!

Anyhoo, its the next day and JP comes rolling home after a hard night in the saddle only to fine Wiest waiting for him on the porch, she tries to have a mother-son heart to heart with him but JP's shagged out and not interested so he bins her off and heads inside. In the gaff Grandpa and Sam are havin the breakfast, Grandpa can smell the poontang off JP and congratulates him on his conquest, he was also in the saddle last night with the window down the road and is fast becoming my favourite character in the movie.

Squinty eyes and Sam head round to shit fashion Max's gaff so Squinty can apologise for leaving Max sitting on his own like a tool in the restaurant the night before. But before she can make it to the front door Max's dog attempts to maul her and she leaps the fence to avoid getting torn to shreds. Sam likens Max's mutt to a Hound Of Hell he's seen in one of the frogs comics and seeks them out for a consultation.

The boys tell Sam that Santa Carla is riddled with the undead, and that "ghouls and wear wolfs occupy high positions in City Hall" (kind of like the Donegal County Council so..) Anyway, he reckons Max is the head Vampire and that JP will be free from the vampire curse if the boys take him out.

Its later that night and Squinty eyes has invited Max round for dinner to apologise for standing him up. Gandpa isn't one for company so he tells Squinty to count him out, JP isn't arsed with Max either and fucks off into town on his bike. Sam however has invited the Frog brothers round and they set about trying to unmask Max for the evil vampire lord that he is.

First up the boys give Max what he thinks is parmesan cheese, but instead its grated garlic. Max horses into it but it doesn't kill him, the fucker actually likes garlic..
Then the boys chuck a glass of holy water on him but he doesn't burn, when they turn out the lights he doesn't glow and when they stick a mirror in front of his face his reflection is there. Failure on all fronts for the boys..

Meanwhile in the town JP runs into Sutherland and his gang. Sutherland tells JP that if he ever wants to
see his bird again that he better come with him and the boys. The lads head to an isolated beach where the rival gang from the fairground fight at the start of the movie are on the piss. Sutherland and the rest of the boys turn into vampires and swoop in on the other gang totally fucking up the party buzz.

The lads make mince meat of the pissheads and tear them to shreds, before chucking them on their own bonfire! Ha ha! I bet them cunts didn't think they'd end up up atop their own fire while they were building it. During the bloodthirsty carnage JP turns but fir once doesn't bow down to peer pressure and pussys out. Sutherland and the boys confront JP afterwards and tell him now that he's a vampire he'll have to eat, so get fucking used to it son and quit yer fucking crying.

JP land home to tell Sam the craic but is interrupted by Sutherland's doll Star, who flies into the room (literally) and spills the beans to the boys. Turns out she a Vamp too, along with some ugly kid that hangs around with her called Laddie (shit name..) but like JP they haven't killed anyone yet so are only half vampires.

Anyway, she fucks off and Sam gets on the blower to the Frogs who ride over on their BMX's clad in Army surplus gear and armed to the teeth with Vamp busting weapons, bitchin!!. They nick Grandpas classic car and head for Sutherland's lair where JP takes Star and the ugly bastard Laddie to the surface where the car is.

Meanwhile the Frogs are on the trace of the vampires and find Sutherland and the lads hanging upside down sleeping. Corey Feldman wastes no time and decided to stake Bill (from Bill and Ted) first. Bill doesn't take to kindly to getting staked through the heart and goes fucking apeshite waking Sutherland and the rest of the boys up as he dies. Sam and the Frogs run like fuck and just about make it into the safety of the sunlight before Sutherland can get his vampire mitts on them. They hook up with JP, Star and Ugly Kid Joe back at the car and scraper back to grandpas.

With Squinty eyes heading off to dinner with Max and Grandpa the dirty ould goat off out to knob the Widow Johnson again the bucks have the house to themselves, and set about boarding it up in preparation for the oncoming attack from Sutherland's gang. The boys fill the bath tub up with garlic and holy water (freshly stolen from a chapel during a christening, nice) and use the concoction to fill their water pistols up.

As the sun goes down over Santa Carla Sutherland and the lads wake up and fly off to fucking sort JP and mates out. Fuck me but Vampires have minging feet, check these fucking things out!
Anyway, back at Grandpas Corey Feldman warns the group that when Vamps bite the dust its not a pretty sight and they often try to take someone with them, the sneaky hoores.. Outside Sam's dog is barking like fuck, he's probably barking because he's tied to a fucking fence and can sense that the vampires are coming. The boys leg it outside and untie him making it back into the house before the Vamps can get in. That's right, its time for a old fashion showdown between Vamps and would be slayers!

JP and Sam stay down in the living room while the Frogs take Star and Laddie upstairs. Once upstairs they decide "fuck the plan, lets steak the doll and the ugly kid ta fuck", but before they can steak them blond haired 80's Hair Metal Band Vamp appears from behind a door and drives them back into the bathroom. He sees the garlic in the bathtub and laughs at them saying "garlic don't work", but the dumb fuck doesn't realise the bath is full of holy water and the boys give him a face full of it. He screams like a bitch as his face frys, and it doesn't get much better for him either when Sam's dog comes running into the room and knocks him into the bath... The poor bastard dissolves like two solpadhine in a pint glass and causes the plumbing to backfire blowing the crapper and sink up and spraying blood everywhere!!

Down in the sitting room JP is out for the count after getting a kick to the face from black haired 80's Hair Metal Band Vamp, and Sam is forced to step the fuck up and take him on on his own. This black haired fucker's a bad tempered cunt and grabs Sam by the head and flies him up to the ceiling to do him in. But Sam has his trusty water pistol, and sprays him in the face burning him. But black hair's not done, he comes at Sam a second time but Sam manages to loose an arrow at him and down he goes. But the cunt is only playing possum and jumps up again only to get another arrow in the chest which shoots him backwards into a stereo and frys him like a bug in wan of those blue light things you see in kitchens. He frys for a while before exploding into pieces, much to the amusement of Sam, the bad ass.

Sam and JP head up the stairs but JP is distracted by the fucking mess that's going on in the kitchen where the plumbing is ten types of fucked and spewing blood all over the place. JP shrugs it off and goes to follow Sam upstairs but gets a slap in the chops from Sutherland who was hanging upside down above the stairs, the sneaky fucker. The smack sends JP crashing down the stairs and when he gets up he doesn't know what the fuck is going on as Sutherland flies around him with super Vamp speed throwing digs in here and there while pissing himself laughing.

Meanwhile upstairs Sam meets up with the Frogs and they trade stories about their respective vampire slayings with glee, like teenagers who've stolen beer from the back of a pub and gotten away with it. But their jovial recantations don't last long as they're interrupted but the ugly dwarf kid who has turned under the bed and jumps through it scaring the shite out of the boys. Unbelievably, the ugly dwarf kid looks even uglier now that he's turned and the boys decide to do him in but are stopped in their tracks by hot chick Star before they can stake his Rocky Dennis ass.

Down in the sitting room JP is taking a beating from Sutherland who's flying around him slapping him like a bitch. But JP can only be pushed so far, and he turns and it game on! JP takes off and flies straight at Sutherland and they clash in the air in the center of the room. After a bit of spinning around JP drives Sutherland towards one of the many antler sporting animals Grandpa has mounted on his wall, but his attempt to skewer Sutherland fails and now its Sutherland's turn.

He drives JP to the other side of the room where Grandpa has a rake of antlers over his fire place. Fuck me but Grandpa must be a fairly ruthless killer for there are fucking dead animals of every nature donning the walls of his house. Anyway, JP grabs a rafter halting Sutherland's drive, Sutherland tells JP its not too late to join him but JP tells him to go fuck himself before spinning him around and horsing him into the antlers and skewering him like a corn on the cob.

Sam and the Frogs come piling down the stairs to find Sutherland spiked, but JP is still Vamped up and they realise that there must be another Vamp still on the go. Round this time Squinty eyes Wiest lands back with shit fashion Max. The fucking house is wrecked and Squinty is going off big style, as she's reading the riot act to Sam we see shit fashion Max cradling Sutherland's dead face. He then waltzes into the sitting room to apologise to Wiest saying that "this is all his fault". Sam says "I fucking knew you were the head Vamp" as Max explains how he had planned to get Sutherland to turn JP and Sam just so he could get into Wiests knickers! The dirty ould goat!!

Anyway, JP is none to impressed when he hears this and he steams in to let Max have it. But Max is the top dog and he pick JP up and horses him through the air like a rag doll. The Frogs, Star and Sam have a go but Max dispatches them with ease before grabbing Sam and telling Wiest to pucker up or watch him die. Wiest does the motherly thing and gives in to protect her son but just as Max is about to sink his teeth into her Grandpa come reversing through the from door in his pick up.

JP leaps in and throws Max in front of the oncoming vehicle which is full of sharpened posts, one of which comes loose and skewers Max propelling him at high speed into the fireplace where he explodes in a massive ball of flames, much to the pleasure of the Frogs, who've somehow managed to don some pretty bitchin goggles allowing them to watch Max fry.

With Max dead JP returns back to normal and everyone starts hugging each other glad that they're alive, except Grandpa.. Grandpa heads into his trashed kitchen in his trashed house, open the fridge and takes out a bottle of coke. He takes a refreshing gulp and proclaims that the one thing about living in Santa Carla that he never could stomach was "all the dame vampires...".

"Dun, dun, dun, dun, people are strange, when your a stranger..." and its Echo and the Bunnymen murdering People Are Strange again as the end credits roll....


Sams review, a rock solid 9/10. This was a class movie when it came out and is still enjoyable to this day. The cast is good with Sutherland perfect in the role of the bad boy vampire, but for me its all about Grandpa and the Frog Brothers.
Corey Feldman was comical in this, as he was in The Goonies and The Burbs, and the Grandpa is just a gas fucker. Wiest is annoying but sure I suppose she's supposed to be so fair play. Of course there are plot holes, like why didn't Max use his smooth vampire skills to lure Wiest into bed? Normally vampires are super cool good looking fuckers who pull birds with consummate ease. But I guess Max is the exception to the rule given his rank ugliness and gash fashion tastes, hence his rediclously convoluted plan to bed Weist...

Anyway, such plot holes don't matter, when I was young and saw this film it made me want to smoke fags, drink wine, ride motorbikes and ride women, so good enough.

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SonofSam92.